We went to Disney on Ice this afternoon.  It was awesome.  Courtney seemed to enjoy it the most.  I'm so glad she got the day off from work and the Movies to go.  I felt sad a little all day long.  I know that Danielle is hurting.  Angelo told me she is sad.  I think its because the girls hadn't been texting her mostly I think.  Both Faith and Courtney started texting her so hopefully she's better.  They aren't mad at her I guess they didn't want to get involved.  The book I ordered for her "Forgiveness" is coming to me instead of her.  I switched the shipping address wrong.  In the clearness of morning i realized she may really get offended if I send that to her.  I need to read it anyway.

Trista works works her first Monday by herself on Rt 5 tomorrow.  She will do fine.  She is smart and is a hard worker.  I'm glad she is working at the post office with me.   

My cleaning ladies are coming again tomorrow.  Rene doesn't know yet.  This will be the 2nd visit cleaning.  It's so worth it.  I am so much happier with a little help around here.  Otherwise I am  doing absolutely everything.  

I'm hoping Danielle will call me soon to say she's sorry for all the horrible things she wrote.  Actually,  she did mean all the things she wrote and really I can't blame her.  It's sad but I wouldn't blame her is she wanted to never really speak to me again.  I am scared of her.  When she's on those pills its so scary for me because she is so angry and violent.  It's like another person enters her body.  

I am seriously hoping to move out of America. After reading End of America I'm sure that what God wants me to do.  I don't think Rene would miss me.  Danielle is too hurt by me to need me around and I'm afraid when I get older she may really hurt me physically when she gets high.  I hope Marshall, Courtney and Faith will come with me though. 

Poppa doesnt want to come for Easter without his Mom.  Marshall was going to get him.  Poppa also said he doesn't want to fight with Faith.  I'm starting to worry that Faith is annoying as someone else mentioned the other day.  She will grow out of it.  She is just a kid.

I'm having a terrible time trying to sleep tonight.  It's just past midnight and I want to sleep.  Faith, Courtney and I are going the Disney on Ice tomorrow and I would love to be rested so I can enjoy my girls. But Danielle has me very depressed and sad.  I'm worried for her and her marriage.  She seems to be angry at everyone.  Poor Angelo.  She treating him like crap.  I am getting angry now at the treatment she is giving me.  Yes, I was wrong to not leave Rene after he watched her in the shower.  Poor thing.  That truly is awful.  Its been over fourteen years now since it happened and I wish she could just forgive me.  She can't and this past few days of raging against me has been devastating.  I thought we were good.  She seemed to have forgiven me, as we had a wonderful Christmas up in Washington with her, Angelo and the boys.  She says she hasn't been drinking but she is so violent in her rantings that I hope she is drinking otherwise her mental state is in question,  I would love for her to go to church and get closer to God and she had said last week she was going to do.  I think the devil jumped on that and now she is under attack.  I pray for her always.  I asked her to go to a counselor.  I hope she does.  I just ordered a book on Amazon for her which I hope ships soon.  It's a christian book on Forgiveness.  I pray she reads it.  I could go on and on about all the things she said about me  but why?  I already know I wasn't that great of a parent.  I feel guilty enough about my poor parenting already.  I wish she could just focus for a little bit about some of the things I did that were good and maybe even right.  I loved her to death.  I would always try to take her somewhere fun even though we were poor as ever when she was small we did lots of fun things that were inexpensive.  I tried to provid  for her the best I could.  Before she was born I read as many baby books as I could get a hold of because I just was so excited to have her and I wanted to be the best Mom I could be.  In her rantings she did mention the only thing she could think about me that was good and that was that I am a hard worker.  Ouch, that hurts.  Yes I am a hard worker but what about all the million other qualities a Mom would want their child to say about them.

Oct 12,2013

Courtney had her first real date the night before last. She says she likes him. His name is Jackson and he took her to see Gravity at the movies. She loved the movie. I'm glad she had a date.  I want her to enjoy her youthful years. She's a good girl and deserves it.

All of us are planning on going to see Danielle and her family up on Washington for Christmas. I'm really looking forward to it. I miss them. I am missing my grandchildren growing up.  Ryder went to the dr yesterday and he's allergic to peanuts and tree nuts too. I hope his eczema will go away now that they know his allergies.

Marshall got his 2nd DUI. I'm afraid he is going to create a hard life for himself. It's hard to watch your children make these kind of mistakes. I sold the mustang to my brother in hopes that it won't happen again but this has made me do sad. I hated to have to do it but I don't know what else to do.  Marshall us doing well in school though and I  proud if his efforts there.

Faith is such a hard worker. Now she is working on her 5th grade science project. It involves dish soaps and which one is the best grease fighter. Courtney is helping her with that. It's great that they are so close.  Faith intends to play soccer this spring so we are planning to get her into shape and practice her soccer skills. We bought a soccer ball at wal mart today.

Tonight is Rene's carpenter dinner in San Ramon. He doesn't really want to go but we are. He's starting to work a lot of hours for a shutdown. We can always use the money. We are thinking about getting Courtney a car.

June 12, 2013

Tonight I'm feeling good but It's not as easy to fall asleep when you are menopausal. I haven't had a period in maybe 3 months. I'm almost 53 so that's pretty old really to still have had a period. These symptoms of hot flashes and poor sleep make me wonder if it was better to have periods. Hmmm.  Nah.

I'm excited to go camping at the end of the month at pine crest lake. In July we go to Disneyland when the Vlahas family gets here. I can't wait.
           
Poppa has the worst black eye it's swollen shut and he has a cut in his eyebrow. He fell and hit the ladder at the playground when slipped of the monkey bars. Playgrounds are dangerous.

Nice surprise

This evening my sister called and her and mom came over to drop off Courtney's birthday gifts. We all went to Panera for dinner. We brought Faith. After our meal we went to home goods. We shopped. Had fun. Chatted. Family members who really love you can make your world a better place to be.

:)

     “Secrets are made to be found out with time.”

Still hurting after all this time

It has been over two years since I have found out how Jennifer had been so deceiving to me. I realized then that she never really liked me when I think back on the past.  That still hurts but what hurts more is the deceit. I would have preferred the truth about how she didn't like me and about what she was encouraging her son to do to my daughter every day in my own home.

She has done the same thing to Linda where we both work. Jenn used to say how she hated Linda's guts and that she hated coming to work because she had to work next to her. She said she couldn't stand it when Linda talked to her and that she would just respond to Linda but couldn't wait to get out of there because she hated her so much. But now, look who she seems to be best friends with. Yes. Linda. Like with me I doubt it's a sincere relationship. Linda hates me and says "poor Jenn" because she doesn't have the full story.  I can't tell Linda that Jenn doesn't really like her because she won't believe me. Everyone I work with thinks Jennifer is perfect. They say oh she's so nice. Wow. How wrong they all are. She does seem nice but if she doesn't like you watch out. That passive aggressiveness can stab you in the back but good.
I'm still trying to recover from it every day. I can't seem to control my anger over it because I was so hurt by her. I wish I didn't have to see her all the time at work. Seeing her opens the wound every day. I pray daily that I get over this